Middle school transitions are awkward, rough and bumpy. New school, new friends, new environment. A lot to deal with in one shot. I’m not thrilled with the idea of my babies growing up, but I accept middle school as an important milestone and a right of passage. There is, unfortunately, no rule book but I have taken notes along this roller coaster ride, and hope some of my new-found knowledge can help another parent.
The System
I don’t care for the current kindergarten through fifth-grade and sixth-grade through eighth-grade school structure. I prefer pre-k through eighth-grade or returning to the seventh-grade through ninth- grade junior high school system.
Sixth grade wasn’t impressive. Many of the sixth-grade teachers either by default or purposely, appeared stoic. Their blah rooms, lack of enthusiasm and no-nonsense personalities took more icing from the already dry cake. It was a tough year but, we made it.
Seventh grade is much better. My daughter renewed her loving relationship with school. The teachers appear more willing to help and their classrooms echoed their personalities.
Eighth grade my son discovered duality. He could be in the band and an athlete. He did not have to fit in one box. Balancing activities outside of school and in school activities became harder. Eighth grade was the easiest school year but also the beginning of a new transition.
What’s hardest about the middle school is that many of the students are beginning to deal with greater social issues. Social issues they will grapple with not just in middle school but their entire lives.
Those issues include self-worth, feeling left out, peer pressure and validation, defining personal style, not being enough, not being as into the same things as everyone else, finding the cool music, social awkwardness, emotional instability, sexuality, and lifestyle choices. It’s a loss of control over the world. An awesome and scary time for parents and their not so little tweens and teens.
How do parents wade the waters?
1. Honesty
Be honest about your experiences. Tell your children if they are at fault. Our kids aren’t perfect and sometimes they are the reason they don’t have friends. Maybe they’re annoying, mean, smell bad or a know it all. Most likely they got it from you and it creates a moment to offer constructive criticism for them and ourselves.
If they ask, it’s because they are ready to hear the answer.
Children aren’t dumb and can access whatever they want via their internet or friends unblocked internet. If they are coming to you it’s because you’re the subject matter expert of choice. Don’t blow it by pushing the conversation away or saying their too young. If they want to know they are not too young. Be honest. If you don’t know, say you don’t know, then educate yourself and have the conversation.
2. Open door policy
Make any talks you have a safe space and judgment-free zone. Don’t criticize your children by passing the statements off as jokes or put them on public display. Build trust by being trustworthy.
3. Parent
You are still the parent with a listening ear. Don’t make it about yourself. Your story, trauma, and experiences are not theirs. Set rules.
Create teachable and relatable moments. Teach and display important life skills like friendship, caring, listening, perseverance, goal setting, accountability, respect, setting boundaries, follow up, networking, time management, strength, and vulnerability.
Teach your kids to give and expect respect.
4. Remember you where once young and are imperfect
No one is perfect. Don’t pretend to be.
5. Humor
Sometimes what our kids say is funny. Don’t be afraid to laugh with them.
6. Don’t compare your kids to anyone else.
7. Share your experiences with parents who are there or have been
Parenting is already hard enough. Don’t isolate yourself. Talk with other parents. They will normalize your experiences and offer insight into theirs. No one is perfect or has all the answers.
The best advice is often from people who have or have gone through similar scenarios.
8. Don’t passively listen
We often become consumed by what we need to do next. If your child is speaking to you, stop and take a moment to talk with them. That does not mean drop everything at all times. Somethings we need to do are important and some things are not. If you are doing something important let them know and then make time to talk about it later. If it’s not important, put your phone down and talk to your child.
9. Allow situations to die
Some situations really are here today gone tomorrow. Your child may be crying about some ridiculous situation that you then figure out an answer to and they are already over the situation. Pat yourself on the back for trying and move on as well.
Parenthood isn’t easy and this is by no means an all-inclusive list, just some of my notes on how to deal. Eighth grade isn’t here yet but I think we are ready and if we’re not, that’s what blogs and wine are for :).
