Self-care is necessary for every mother’s mental health

Self-care is the greatest gift any mom can give to themselves.  Every day we wear many, many, many masks.

Occasionally, we lose ourselves behind the mask.

We forget to do what makes us happy and disconnect with who we were before gaining the societal titles, which is detrimental to our entire tribe’s well-being.

At 34 years old I experienced my first breakdown.  It was a transition period, transitioning from mommy into someone I didn’t know.  A few of my titles included mom, friend, confidant, student, coworker, and wife but somehow in the struggle to be there for everyone, it was hard to maintain a stable sense of mind.  I lost myself and didn’t know how to define who I was.

This major life transition caused intense feelings of edginess, depression, and anxiety.

Being a great mom must include self-care

I love being a mom and wouldn’t trade the job for any amount of money in the world.  100 percent of my energy is focused on their well-being. But too often, I forgot about my self-care.

I wanted back to back kids, but sometimes having two babies is just awful. Self-care is not on the table of choices, or time isn’t always allotted for it.

Early parenting days can include finding the correct neighborhood, parenting style and community of mothers.  My schedule was full of playdates, storytime, early education and proper nutrition.

It was all a haze of planning.  Doing everything just right or all wrong.  It didn’t matter because I was constantly doing and receiving gratitude from my mommy group, family, friends and children’s milestones.

Antisocial Extrovert

At no point have I doubted my ability to be a mother.  I’m confident about the job I have done and continue to do as a parent but sometimes I am overwhelmed by my desires for more.

To most, I am the life of the party or the person to confide in.  I have gathered joy from these roles and felt trusted.  The hard part about being a supporter is you are never required to expose your life.  Conversations about your shortcomings or unhappiness are never had.  Which for me led to feelings of isolation.  I lived and breathed Kendrick Lamar’s quote antisocial extrovert.

I survived the early years, but when looking at my reflection, I didn’t know if I liked what I saw.

Was I living up to my potential?  Why wasn’t I pursuing my hopes and dreams? It may all seem selfish but if we don’t step back and take an assessment of what we truly want can achievements ever happen?

Leaving my job was not a tough decision.  My boss was abusive and the work was underpaid.  My husband offered me the opportunity to work part-time with him and spend time with the children.

A dream opportunity, at least I thought it was until I realized how much time he worked.  I was alone with the children, and house 85 percent of the time, doing everything alone.

The part-time job turned into nonstop business meetings which included nights and weekends.  This is not what I signed up for, but it is the reality of what I received.

Alone

I attended every sporting event, mommy meeting and child-focused activity alone.

That’s when the breakdown hit.

This was the hardest thing to recognize.  Being a parent is a sacrificial choice.  For me, I chose to give 100 percent of myself, and in those moments lost many pieces of who I was before motherhood.

Women’s groups are important

Mommy groups saved me from complete isolation.  Those play dates and mom’s nights out forge friendships and provide priceless support.   While creating new relationships I discovered something about myself.  My path to happiness and mental stability must include time alone.

My self-care recipe includes designated time to care for myself.

What does alone time look like for a wife and parent?

For me, the necessary components include exercise, dance, laughter, solitary confinement, discount department store hauls, music, occasional girls’ nights out, girls-only vacations as well as solo vacations to visit my family.  These random moments in time let me be who I was and still am outside the many masks and societal titles. Some don’t understand why a mother would need time alone.  Those same people are not mothers.

There are moments where I still feel like I am going to lose it.  While now instead of internally breaking down I take time alone write down the feelings, go for a run and map out what it is I want and can do to make things better.  Sometimes I can’t decide by myself and the feelings or thoughts are too overwhelming.  This is when I seek external opinions or support.

Time alone and isolation are two separate things.

I have boxed myself in numerous times and convinced myself that I have no support.  That is not true.

Each time I have sought assistance it was available.  Creating a tribe of support is one of the greatest gifts of self-care.  You cannot do everything alone.  Your tribe is what you need it to be.

A tribe may include, friends, family, spouse, psychologist, church, god, pet, neighbor, women’s group or whoever gives you sound advice, resources, time and allows you to be weak in your strengths.  They must also call you out on your bullshit and know the difference of when to listen and when to tell you to suck it up buttercup.

My advice to any mom, woman or child suffering a transitional life breakdown would be to evaluate your current situation.  Are you caring for yourself? Are you giving advice and asking for it? Too many times we think the problem is due to our location, job or marriage and if we look honestly the unhappiness is internal.

Dig deep and figure out why you aren’t happy with yourself and start a path to create that happiness. Growth and nourishment are necessary for everyone, not just your children.  What are some things you do for self-care?